As soon as he told me I had a 'pretty laugh' I knew I'd be putting out more than I had originally planned.
I swear to God, I just heard my guardian angel tell us to stop. I think we should listen.
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
Dude you made a rodeo shot in beer pong won the game then got in the hot tub poured beer all over the side and screamed "hot tub time machine!"...
This hangover makes more sense now
If the world would stop letting me feel invincible I would probably stop doing this shit.
No I got myself stoned. With her bowl. She was just a casualty of the War on Sobriety.
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
Dude I broke her toilet blowing some dude. I wasn't going to turn down the 300$ he offered to fix it.
Sorry. My phone died in the middle of you explaining why we would never work as a couple. Whatever you were gonna say, I probably agree.
At first I was nervous, then drunk me thought: What other chance will you realistically have to fuck a British guy?
My brother is so high right now he's eating frozen peas and called them "fucking delightful"
We get up to three toppings. Dignity is not one of them.
Saw throw up in the parking lot at work, glad I'm not the only one. But now the search begins.
Mary's wearing shades at her desk, brilliant!
come on Dane.. ive been there. im like the female version of you, except with morals
Is it too much to ask to have a life partner who has both male and female sex organs that looks cute and sounds like a female Antonio Banderas and likes to get weird?
Randomize
