This is the first month I have not taken plan B to get my period in over a year
And somehow that makes me sad knowing I haven't had raunchy unprotected sex in a month
You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
I decided you couldn't drive after you asked where the time circuits were on your Altima
I wanted to see November 5, 1985
Whatever, you were 10 deep and there was a hot tub. No judgment.
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
Ya I fucked her.. But now Melissa is gonna find out
Just tell her that in a man's never ending war between his heart and his dick... His heart never wins
The most humiliating part was that I farted while he was tasing me.
It's the happiest looking penis I've ever seen. It should have a top hat and a spectacle on and soft shoe across the room with a cane. He's a cheery little feller.
I hooked up with a guy dressed up as morning wood. Needless to say he lived up to his costume.
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
Is there a number of dicks a girl can have in a weekend before it becomes unacceptable? Asking for a friend
Remember! It’sa long weekend and a holiday weekend and it’s America’s birthday! So don’t short change me!
I thought you were asking for a friend
Randomize
