I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
He gave me a 420 gift that consisted of a dime bag, a philly cheesestake, and a Pepsi that was still cold. If he ever wants a free bj, I got him.
Lindsay lohan: road to jail is on E tonight. Bring vodka we are not missing an opportunity to make a drinking game out of this
Dude I reek of $2.50 pitchers, $1 off/pack marlboro cigs, and fear.
Fear?
FEAR.
I swear my vagina formed calluses just to deal with how big he is
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
My final act is to send you this message. I love you. Tell my family that I love them. Except my dad. Tell him I said "Eh..." while rocking your hand side to side. And tell Tim that I will always love the idea of him. Tell Caleb I love him so. Take care of Miss Kitty Fantastico. Tell the world that I will watch over. Good bye. I love you.
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
And also the fact that I woke up sandwiched between two gay men is probably fueling my day
He put those pics of him with those girls on facebook and tagged his wife in them
Tequila 1 marriage 0
I wasn't even hungover I was just mourning my dignity
I also don't hate being called a giant sack of cheese. Is that weird?
Life if anyone rolls up to my funeral with shitty weed get them out of there
Quickly hiding the condom wrappers, ropes, and handcuffs right before the parents arrive to help with moving out? Priceless.
on a scale of one to ten where does vomming from being hungover during a professionalism lecture fit
Randomize
