There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
I just pooped in his toilet and didn't flush...I desperately need to get him past the girls don't poop phase.
you need to know that there is a kid here wearing an i mosh for Jesus shirt
She came over with Guinness cupcakes, a case of Mickeys, wearing an Ireland flag & nothing else.
I don't think I have ever puked up that much free breakfast in my life...thank god for Nickle Beers.
Tell him next time im gonna be "disgrace to the family" drunk
Her vagina was like a painting you can put your face in.
Also, you need to stop getting hammered and taking showers with people.
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
Just by hearing the girl outside reciting the info on her fake ID, I know it's gonna be a good night
Of fucking course I get my period on Valentine's Day...
I'm going to tell you something and I want no judgement because it's america day and I'm wearing an American flag bathing suit but...I woke up in a yard.
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Is it acceptable to respond to a declaration of love with 'and I love your dick'? Asking for a friend who shares a name and possibly a phone number with me. Entirely coincidental.
Randomize