it sounded like he was fisting a can of crisco.
If she didn't want me to pass out in her bathroom, then she shouldn't have such a furry rug in there
It's so hard to take my boss as an authorative figure with her New Moon movie tickets taped to her wall
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
I think making out with someone could be the cure to all my problems. That or more cowbell.
"Stranger danger aquaman" were the last words i remember. help me.
Please tell me you're not home alone watching Glitter.
Can you see in?
HELP! How do I get paint off the dog?
Just watched a middle age white woman scream WHY DON'T YOU GO FUCK YOURSELF, HELEN?! Helen seemed absolutely scandalized.
Oh my god. We just got locked out of our cabin and went to the neighbor's to see if they had a key and caught the neighbor jerking it. My night > your night
It's like jay gatsby himself preordained that our genitals meet again.
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
Im blaming it on six shots of Jack, loneliness and a chemical imbalance. That's the best I can think of...
This is the Front Desk Lady from the Saturolite Inn. Your friend is passed out in the lobby. Please come help her.
Randomize
