why is it impossible to run with a back pack without looking like a giant d-bag?
haha... you gave me a great visual of you in high white socks running with a backpack with eye of the tiger playing in the background
that only happened once.
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
I need to stop taking drags of other peoples cigarettes, it's such a tease. Like playing just the tip, you just can't
Remember...the emancipation proclimation is your favorite document, you love asian women, japanese food is the tits, and you willfully employ as many latinos as possible...
I have so much boob sweat I could bathe a baby
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.
And if I could both stabilize myself *and* pick things up with my penis... Well, I wouldn't be on the fire dept...
no body wants to do anything today cause it's too cold, but a guy can only masturbate so many times a day. Ya know
lets start a news segment called WHY IS LEOS CROTCH BURNING TODAY
I told him we can’t see each other today because absence makes the heart grow fonder but mostly I just need to rest my vag
thanks for not wanting to stay all night or talk or anything, nice to have a fuck buddy who really doesnt take the buddy part serious
I'm all about the fuck
Last night we proved the theory that "harder" is the worst rough sex safe-word ever.
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