Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
They pulled him over whille he had a fish tank full of beer in his front seat. He told them it coudn't count as an open container cause the top was on it.
according to the random from alabama i slept with last night i kept saying "poor lil tink tink" over and over in my sleep
you also choked him out with your legs on the kitchen floor..
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
I'll be gone when you wake up but you hit a girl so I knocked you out. Never hit a girl. Unless it's with your penis.
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
I know. I feel like I should be doing mature responsible adult things though. Like getting loans, working 60 hours every week and not eating burritos in bed, ya know?
My heart stopped for a sec, but I snorted what I believe was cocaine off the floor, and I'm back in the fight
with great strapon comes great responsibility.
I almost got an A in organic chem but started hallucinating during the final so I got a C
I didn't really understand how big 10 inches is. Now I know.
WHY THE FUCK DOES RICKY'S BROTHER GET AN ENTIRE POT OF PASTA FOR BEING SHIRTLESS AND ALL I GET IS ARRESTED?!
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