I'll just stay a virgin forever then
You still have to go anyway
Then I guess I'll have to start sleeping around
You put a thong on my pumpkin didn't you.
yah i'm on my way- is everything ok?
i'm holding a walmart bag of my own hot vomit that i closed up with some random chicks hair tie. we r pretty fucking far from ok
Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
Reading in my econ of energy textbook about the US' largest oil spill from the 1990's.. guess i can't sell this one back either
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
what part of what i said meant "bring a bowl"
"bouncy castle"
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
The name of the man in your bed is not Ryan. I can't remember what his name is but that is wrong
He may be engaged to someone else, but god damn that was the best 3 hours I've ever spent naked with someone.
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
Is it bad I have to get shitty ass drunk on a Monday night because I can't adult?
Based on the conversation I'm going to assume you didn't close the deal.
It started going awry when I fell through a roof.
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