Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
So they discontinued the hummer... Now people will have to go door to door to let others know they're assholes
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
I can't get a boner in the bathroom of a buffet.
I'm going as Jenn Sterger if she answered Favre's calls and ended up in a trash can. If I don't get laid tonight I'm going to be pissed
She fuckin peed on me
Stay golden ponyboy
walked into class wearing my zorro costume. some girl just said "oh my god, i fucked zorro this weekend." I found her.
I just hate that one day I'll have to tell our children how we met, makes me look like a gold digging whore
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
I know. But whatever I'll just eat cold pizza and play with my cats by candlelight
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
His cat kept scratching my feet while we were having sex. There's only room for one pussy around here. It also concerns me that he owns a cat.
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
Ok so I'm not gonna ignore the fact that you had sex on a frat basement floor and spent the last 4 years wondering how you got HPV
How ya feelin' champ?
Like a million bucks that was soaked in alcohol.
Randomize
