My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
Any time before 12:00pm. Can go fuck itself.
i told him i was sober and he walked away immediately.
Until he has ordered mozzarella sticks & beers at 2pm while wearing formal attire, then this is still my bar.
He's sobering up. It was really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together.
Uh oh I Hage to dance yes, my feet are Whitney Houston
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
I drunkenly transformed into shehulk last night and lifted every single guy off the ground bc one guy told me that there was no way I was strong enough. Don't worry, I proved them wrong. Stupid stereotypical men.
I definitely pole-danced a parking meter outside a party last night. The cheering was appreciated.
After I'd been making out with her for a good 15 minutes some guy yelled "grab this chicks beer she needs both hands!" And he was right I did need both: god bless jello wrestling.
I woke up on a navy base in a different time zone. I'm never leaving tallahassee again.
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
The struggles of a small town man whore
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
OMG. When you threw the used condom on your floor you threw it in my purse!!! I just went to grab my headphones and it was stuck to them!
Randomize
