so i slept on a park bench last night...no hobo
apparently the secret to your success is patron
Thanks for stranding me with th douchebag award recipients
Fucking Canada. At least when they wake up tomorrow they're still in Canada
dude it was like an art museum there were boobs everywhere
I really hope you aren't where I think you are. Dude she has a MUSTACHE. You need Jesus..
Dude.. You paid a stripper $50 to listen to you cry last night.
i left the icescrapper in his bathroom. i dont remember taking it there, but i remember brushing his hair with it.
After we were finished she said "That was like marriage sex". Should I take that as a compliment or insult?
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
yeah we're mixing orange juice, vodka, and rum and calling it Oj Simpson On Trial
Remember that girl that we found passed out in the dorm study room under a pile of money and jimmy johns wrappers? She's standing right on front of me.
Just at the gym drinking. We call it treadmillcolada
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
I just wish he would stop trying to bring his emotional baggage into our sexual relationship.
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