he was lying next to me and i saw him text "score" to someone.
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
My piss changed color midstream. Think that means I have a 50/50 chance of passing the test?
I am willing to take shots of vanilla extract. That's how this night has been.
Just told him about my threesome. if that doesn't make him want to date me nothing will.
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
Oh my gosh they are following me around the bar
Blow your rape whistle
The sad thing is; I'm getting used to walking around feeling like I could hurl at any minute.
Watching Faye Reagan porn all weekend for St Patty's day. Nothing has ever seemed more appropriate.
It's all fun and games until you have to pay the bar tab.
Cant get off the floor. Need more beer. Send help.
So his dick was definitely bigger than it looked in all the pictures he sent my daughter.
I wanna trust fall face first on a penis.
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
Randomize