Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
Get dressed, I have 50$ and you need a new beer pong table since we threw yours off the 8th floor last night.
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
She made out with the kickboxers bf. She was just asking to get kicked in the head. In the middle of the bar.
I don't know which is worse, the fact that he can say will you fuck me in so many languages or that I'm turned on because of that
No we don't really celebrate valentines day, we just use it as an excuse to drink 3 bottles of red wine and fuck for a few hours.
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
When he was leaving this morning he said I'll text you later on and I replied with if you don't that's cool too.
Such a big mess for such a small penis
I love that they love me even though I might not exsist, its kinda like Im God.
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
low point of the night : a cop just busted out laughing at me.
I hate when pretentious people talk bad ab corn dogs
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