I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
he went up stairs with nothing on but calvin klein's and an eskimo hat, said hi to her dad, got a doughnut, and left like it was an everyday thing
On a lighter note, my mom and I were playing scattergories, and for "things that you keep hidden" we both put dildo. Proof that we really are related.
I got back at him the only way I knew how, by hooking up with the guy he hates from their rival fraternity.
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
Okay now that I've been wanting to eat these hot cheetos in the bathroom, I know it's time I need to stop smoking and go to sleep.
me blowing you awake is the exact turn i want our relationship to take
At some point during thanksgiving the image of me pooping on ur moms chest will come to you. Your welcome!
I never want to do this again, I'm going to chew off several fingers and apply for disability
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
I also have bagel bites. I know that's not as big an incentive as the cocksucking but.....
Seriously, you just banged the guy that wishes his dog happy birthday on fb. That's fucking adorable!
Today is get drunk without showing anyone my penis day
Randomize
