is it bad that i kinda- ok, reallyyy don't remember having sex with him last night?
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
my dad's beating me at drinking again. No matter what i do I can't win.
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
I was trying to be really smart and save 10 dollars for each cab there and back. ...so I ripped a $20 dollar bill in half.
her body is proportioned like a family guy character
The only thing I remember is doing a toddlers and tiaras dance routine onstage. I fucking CURTSIED.
OMG stop. Pretty feet? Sparkle baby!
I'll be there in 10. I need you naked and ready. Warm up.
Weekend plan is a big bag of dope, delivery food, Bollywood marathon and masterbating my dick raw.
I'm sure I'll run in to him again, there's only so many VA detoxes.
I lowered my expectations when he started off saying "ah missionary, my specialty"
i love it when bitches who pick on you in high school get fat. thank you facebook you have made my day.
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
Also, can next Friday be Long Underwear Friday instead of Jockstrap Friday? Because I'm about to cough up a testicle.
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
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