You did not just nickname me "Nipples".
APPARENTLY giving your friend one of your shoes so that you avoid the no shoes no service rule makes you drunk...
You would be married by May if you put half as much energy into getting straight guys as you do into getting gay guys
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
And the horses in Central Park have blankets. And Rafiki just told me "it is time" in the back of our cab.
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
There was a reason God said "Let there be titties" on the Fifth Day.
He left his cock-ring in my truck.
Consider it a gay sex souvenir.
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
I did it on acid. I can cook bacon on any condition
I tried getting kicked out of my favorite bar. No matter what I did, I could do no wrong
If you ever feel goofy just think of the fact that I just shaved the batman symbol into my pubes
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
Random question, what's John-that-we-had-a-threesome-with's phone number? Don't necessarily need the full number, maybe just area code? Think I drunkenly ran into him last night and now I have texts from a John.
I no longer have the means to support both a women and an alcohol addiction
Randomize
