Betty ford says i'm here all night
Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
Our Icelandic basketball player brought cocaine and rachael is screaming that he should do lines off her stomach. It's that kind of party
I'm not driving across town for three thrusts and an excuse
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
why is there a chinchilla in our apartment, and where did it come from?
question nothing. DON'T QUESTION A FREE CHINCHILLA.
Sometimes turtles just really trip me out man
Decided I'm going to wear a shirt that says "I'm sorry" whenever we go back to that fraternity
New discovery: your vibrator works on my balls. Technology is wonderful I love the future
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
Well, I wish you luck on finding out who your boyfriend is
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
i found you laying on the floor staring at the ceiling and you kept muttering "why" in various inflections.
woke up this morning and she was gone. but she left a box of donuts on the counter with a note saying "for all the 'o's you gave me last night"
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
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