im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
Do you think an esthetician would be willing to wax the Chanel Cs into my crotch? That way, whenever a guy gets ready to pound on it I can go "Careful, it's Chanel."
I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
just shaved my legs at the gas station bathroom before going to the club. is that too ghetto?
During the middle of giving him head, he flashes his phone and says "I like to watch."
The last thing I remember is you asking me how to grow french fries.
I miss your penis. And I totally say this as a friend. I just miss it because it's great. You should be very proud of it.
just heard someone say they saw a guy puke while riding a bike across campus without stopping
Its piss that you smell... I borrowed that shirt last week. Sooo, wanna grab some laundry soap on your way home? And good luck on your date.
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
I made a tournament bracket for the girls that Im talking with.
I AM THERE IN SPIRIT, TICKLING YOUR BALLS
at first i said "no rollerblading if I'm going to be drunk," but we all know how that went
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
Security showed up because apparently we were fucking too loud.
As your roommate I can attest that y'all do indeed fuck rather loudly
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