I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
i was so drunk i stopped mid-blowjob to make sure he i was with my boyfriend and not some random. twice.
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
I don't know what the fuck is in the water in New Hampshire, but these dicks are HUGE.
Oh btw I took the eighth out of the plastic wrap so I could use it to wrap my red pepper. This can be seen as either pathetic or resourceful.
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
I'm a college student and my dad gets more ass than I do..... do you see a problem here?
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
SOS... STANDING IN THE BAR NEXT TO MY BF AND THE GUY WHO I HOOKED UP WITH ON CHRISTMAS DAY..
listen I need taco bell and an orgasm within the next hour. I'll leave the order in which you provide those things up to you
Dude, you fell into a tree, and both of the tables, AND the window well... Resilient aren't you?
I'm getting reacquainted with drunk me. She has grown up a lot.
why does every cop we meet know your name?
I think I'm taking after my dog, I just want to hump everything
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