I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
i used baking grease as lip gloss
I just wiped my face with a slice of bread. Lowest point of the night.
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
He walked me home last night across campus while i fed him pasta out of a solo cup at 3 am.
If I EVER think it's a good idea to blow someone who just showed me their synchronized swimming performance on youtube again please correct me immediately.
Can she stop putting up all these passive aggressive statuses and please come out of the "I-want-to-be-a-pornstar" closet already?
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
You get home okay?
I'm pantless and in bed
That doesn't mean you're at home.
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
Also, for real, though? Did we even have sex or were we just jumping on the bed drunk and naked...because with me that's actually a possibility.
How was your night?
I spent a lot of money and drank a lot of booze. Also was part of a successful search party
You know how it is. Tell me not to do somebody and suddenly I wanna.
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
Randomize
