If you're going to watch porn, can you atleast be considerate and watch it on my old laptop and not the new one?
Got one of only two perfect scores in the class on the quiz I took drunk. This is not a good thing for me to have learned about myself.
She's never allowed to turn 21 again
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
just cheers'ed a flock of cattle as i drove past eating a burger i bought 7 hours ago. that high.
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
Dude you better come get your girl, she's sitting here eating a tub of pasta salad muttering to herself about gypsies.
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
Vodka Vensday. With a Russian accent... It counts.
He just snapchatted me a blank snap that said "miss our sex" Vagina game too strong
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
Dude, she had a pound of gunpowder in her closet. I for sure got a fear boner.
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
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