Twist it, pull it, flick it... Bop it was like the first time I touched myself.
i'm at sigma nu and gary is here. what do it do?
Stay away from his face.
so i go for his dick?
I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
Now that the olympics are over we have no excuse for getting belligerently drunk for nationalism every night.
On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
I was sitting on the floor of CVS chugging white grape juice until someone asked me to leave.
You ordered 6 boxes of pizza and laughed in the pizza guys face when you didn't pay for any of them.
i can't understand anything he's saying. But he spells alcohol right everytime so i deciphered it.
Well, I guess that's how life goes for my dad. One minute you're walking with your cooler on the afterglow of a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert, the next you find your grown son choking out a drunk redneck against your pickup truck.
Yeeeaahhh, I'm in no rush to dismiss a level 6 booty-call that pays my bar tabs and understands my Harry Potter obsession.
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
you were angry and didn't have anything else to throw so you threw a breakfast burrito...?
Now you can NEVER tell anyone that on thanksgiving I took a selfie of my pussy to prove they don't get worse with babies.
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
I was supposed to see Marcus tonight and he cancelled. Listen, I shaved my butt hole. Somebody is getting this WAP 😂😂😂😂
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