i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
The walk of shame isn't so shameful when you do it in a stolen, autographed Favre jersey.
1.) where are you? 2.) you making meatballs? 3.) Meatballs for sex?
My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
found a hand written recpiet for 'one doe fawn' on an open crate in my living room need help to find it
where the hell would u of bought a deer
i have this gut feeling friday is going to be interesting.\nAnd by interesting I mean I feel like im going to get punched in the face by his girlfriend.
we've got reservations. ask for the eat a bag of dicks table
Between the hair pulling and the choking its its more like combat than sex
Sorry I have an "Operation Iraqi Freedom" fantasy
he knocked a glass of water onto my bed and then said that he should get to sleep on the dry side because he was "a guest"
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
fuck whipped cream. I'd eat vegetables off those abs
We kind of crashed their funeral party. Oops.
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
I promise your sink was clogged before I threw up in it.
Randomize