is it bad that i shorted Freddie Mac immediatly after I heard about the CFO?
I want to have your abortion
The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
ok plan lets look hot and dance like whores.
No she wasnt mad! I told her that I "mis-remembered" nailing her friend.
so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
You have no idea how much I'm praying for my moms side of the family's infertility right now
I never want to hear the words unlimited shots for boobs in the same sentence ever again.
Come make me food. I feel like if I go in the kitchen I will just get Gin.. and pass out in there.
dude my grandma just called my dealer. How does this shit happen to me
Bro. I traded my coat. I have a Raiders coat now.
I mean she did throw a tantrum because you wouldn't let her suck your dick
I told him we can’t see each other today because absence makes the heart grow fonder but mostly I just need to rest my vag
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