proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
We George Forman grilled some girls phone last night.
You don't understand, Single Ladies is like the Don't Stop Believing of the gay community.
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
On the one year anniversary of me loosing my virginity... thousands of people will be taking their pants of on subways all around the world
It's like a tribute to you being a slut
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
I have come to the conclusion that my perfect boyfriend is a cardboard cutout of Link with a dildo attatched. Also, Merry Christmas.
Nothings harder than putting on a frozen condom.. or should I say softer
My car windows are covered in lube. Happy 4th of July!
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
Nice. Ask if they watched saved by the bell. yes=legal. No=jailbait
Do it break your family into faction start a civil war
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she cant stop having the shits.
Randomize
