It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
Only at my house do scrabble games turn into fist fights. I won though... the fight not the board game.
I was amazed that you fell flat on your ass and still managed not to spill them drinks in your hands. Your getting good at this.
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
This is how I ended up being the slutty friend isn't it?
If I should ask "why am I still single?" could someone please remind me of shooting mike and ikes out of my nose at the bartender last Saturday. many thanks
Nope. If I'm going to drive an hour to fuck a teacher, it will NOT be missionary thats for damn sure.
I swear my vagina formed calluses just to deal with how big he is
I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
I woke up with a black eye, bruised knuckles, wearing women's clothing, in a house I did not recognize, next to a solid 9. Thank you for making 21 special.
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
I'm kinda surprised he wouldn't be honored to take me back as a fuck buddy.
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
I am serious when I say I think I broke a rib having sex with Kyle. It might be puncturing my lung. No lie. I might die today.
I put miralax in my rum/coke. Go hard or go home.
Randomize
