trying to fathom saturday night and the fact that Rainn Wilson now hates me. my brain hurts.
she told me her fantasy was her as a 55 year old cook at a truck stop who smokes a pack a day, and I was the 21 year old illegal immigarnt prep cook.
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
please dont tell anyone i was drunk
you were publicly making out with a very old very spandex covered woman...they know
Well now I have my semen on her headphones
They made the rule if I caught the ball with my cleavage they would drink the entire beer pong table. I don't think they expected me to actually do it.
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
I was peeing in the bathroom at this house party when a guy just casually stumbles out of the shower
I'm hurting so bad I actially had to wait for my mini wheats to get soggy before I could eat them..
Its mothers day, andI woke up with 12 bar stamps on my face, holding orange juice and a box of tampons. This can not be happening
That edible kicked in right as I was upside-down on that rollercoaster. Fucking.mind.blown.
just like cleaning my room and being more organized in my life. more so just making sure a toaster doesn't end up in my car again for 2 months
2015 is the year I FINALLY ALMOST had enough dick to satisfy me.
I will 100% jerk off using my own tears as lube before I'd ever bang a 4.
Randomize