yea and when she crawled to her room she yelled at a bookbag to "get the fuck out my way"
and then he said he has been waiting since high school to touch my boobs
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
I'm not embarrassed about the lap dance. I'm embarrassed for the singing during.
Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
I am wrecking havoc on the skinny girls by going home with the big one. She is taking me to see her dog now.
I'm not drinking anymore...and by that, I mean until St. Patrick's Day.
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
What if I told you that I had 160 ounces of cheap malt liquor in my backpack? Espn films 40 for 40s presents: Edward 40 hands. Our room. 11PM/10 central
Smoked before work and just remembered i left pringles in my desk last time i was high. SCORE
How can someone be so bad at fingering? It's such a simple concept
I'm drinking and working out! I'm bench pressing the beer pong table and doing push ups and lifting the chair.
I say this out of love and friendship. Eat ice cream not the d.
I know he’s married, but he’s still a guy with balls and a dick. He noticed my cleavage and stared at my ass. He’ll call.
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