i have more money on itunes than i do in my bank account... college.
its 9am. i just got home. spent 6 hours blowing him in a closet last night
my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
OH MY GOD. JESUS STRIPPER. THERE IS A JESUS STRIPPER HERE. A STRIPPER DRESSED AS JESUS.
I have too much pride to pick his chest hair out of my mouth again
Passed out drunk in a tanning bed...
Did At The Beach call the fire department to get you like last time?
And then he said "if you were planning on bird feeding me that's not ok"
I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
I don't want anything calamari shaped after last night. But I appreciate the Cheerios offer.
This is me trying to take a picture to send to grandma. At 4. We were trying to look sober.
I am harder than a fucking diamond and Michael Bolton is playing. Your move.
She just walked out of her bedroom naked and asked me to help put her diaper on. Yeah, that pretty much sums up the last 24 hours...
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
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