Just witnessed a fat girl fall off the treadmill, pop a medicine ball, and drink coke out of a water bottle all in one workout.
I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
A few things for you to consider: 1. Drunk enough that I'm looking up the dictionary definition of Wish. 2. Dictionary.com has new features. 3. Windows is offering me 500 business cards for 5 bucks. 4. I've always wanted a card that says I'm a ninja
Jesus Christ, she just started playing Enya and is humming along to it. Way, way, way too hungover to deal with her shitty taste in music
Oh my god! She wrote the word ''hi'' in HAIR on the shower wall. What the fuck?!
I DONT WANT TO PLUS I THINK I FLUSHED MY KEYS DOWN THE TOILET WHILE I WAS PEEING
I just found my coat check number in my underwear.
Btw...I puked in my hand last night and threw it on the floor. Don't let me do tequila ever again.
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
If you really loved me, you'd support my weed habit.
As the person who squeezed you out of my vagina, the answer is no.
I can't go to the bars anymore. She wanted to see me again and I drunkenly told her I was moving today. If she spots me I'm fucked.
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
my roommates are pretty pissed at me. they sent me out for ice and i came back with a kitten.
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