I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
i always forget guys have bellybuttons
but his dog just died...ill send him an edible arrangement or a 6 pack or something
you never know, standards drop, they turn gay, shit happens.
it was such a weird mix, KFC and penis
Weird we were more concerned with sharing our germs than tag teaming the blow job?
Get in the lobby, you have to sign my boxers
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
But first time having sex and he went down on me twice?! I'm gonna marry this guy
I'll make sure to include that in my bridesmaid toast
If the egyptians can build pryamids men can walk on the moon and ron jeremy can sleep with all those bitches then we can finish these three handles of vodka
I just held a marble with my kegel muscles for 5 min. You may call me COCKCLAMP 9000!!!!
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
I hope you get a lego stuck in your dickhole
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
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