I'm ready for my liver to be the last casualty of 2009
I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
yeah so our basement was flooded 4 feet. we just smoke and drank and then went swimming. gotta make the best out of it
She's coming to town, taking me to a Suns Game, wants Anal, and knows we're not going to date, I imagine this is what heaven is like
we just plugged the camera up to the big screen. would you like to come see what you did last night, in high definition?
Dude sorry but it totally wasn't worth going back in there for yous shoes
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
I'm making him come over again tonight. I don't know how long this thing will last so I want to spend as much time with his dick as possible.
I don't know bro. If a girl makes you cum hard enough that you pull a back muscle, she might be the perfect one to call for a massage on said muscle.
Gay?
German.
Pity.
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
Sorry I missed your call. I was in the shower washing away my sins and sweat. Please tell me you want to get drunk as shit later.
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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