Ok let's jusst not talk today bc then we'll just do dangerous things but I'll say hello
Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
Just spent 45mins blow drying a joint i dropped in a beer....i felt like i dropped his infant child....
we turned dreidel into a drinking game. i kept landing on gimel. im glad we have 7 more nights of this
he used his one phone call on me and it said "you have a collect call from- LETS GET IT- at the montgomery county jail".
So we went to home depot to buy supplies to build a beer bong but ended up buying an office water cooler that were going to put vodka in
she has an amazing ass but I need more beers to get past her horse face. It works out perfect becauseI can use her teeth as a bottle opener.
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
I have what looks like a rubber stamp mark on my cock from last night that says "Magic Marla Approved" Do we know a Marla?
Everyone called me "Barf Vader".. And I lost your lightsaber.
She just sent me a message. It's a poem, about eternal love, that she wrote, about us. Just because I took her home two nights - doesn't mean it's eternal love.
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
Randomize
