I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
No, I didn't like him that much. But I took one for the team. And by the team I mean me and my vagina.
Just found out drinking 6 trays of random shots makes me wake up on a club toilet with my underwear and jeans around my ankles
It feels like one of my ribs evaporated.
Well I talked to some Canadians today, and I'm keeping a vigilant watch for sharks, so I'm pretty booked up.
If I ever look like I'm about to have a repeat of last night, hit me. Just smack me as hard as you can.
How hard is it to grasp the concept of 'I lost an impromptu saber bout and so I have to make a macaroni map of Soviet Russi, including Kazicstan'!?
I checked her ID this morning. Lets just say...she's older than my mom
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
It was great. Except he kept asking me to lick his butthole, I was like firm no
I almost accidentally threw him out a window during sex last night.
Girl just left one of the apts upstairs carrying a giant bottle of kahlula and a lunchable.... I feel like we could be friends
may or may not have snorted a line of tums... wtf.
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
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