hot mess party of 2 ur bar is now available
It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
I decided it would be a good time to smoke on one of my deliveries but then I got the munchies and ate a piece of the pizza I was freaking out so I told him it was our new pacman pizza
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
buying booze in bulk is always a bad idea. i wish there was some direct deposit-like system
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
Home safe. Took me everything not to stop and pick up some random cat that looked like an ocelot tho.
WHO THE FUCK TAGS THEMSELVES AT COUNTY JAIL?!?!
Buffalo PD walked in my bedroom this morning at 7 am. Was still blackout drunk, fully dressed, Steak Out wrapper on the floor, parking meter on the floor of the bar room. 'Both of your doors were wide open, wanted to make sure no one was robbing you.' Then I made a pass at her.
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
That was fun and all, but let's never have sex on a ladder ever again.
I think this is the first time I heard a lesbian version of baby it's cold outside.
spent the night holding naked strippers up for keg stands and doing endless amounts of body shots. good game 8am final exam.
whats an extra semester when you've already been in college for 6 years?
Guy just rode past on a lowrider bike smoking a blunt, I want his life
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