So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
He ripped my extensions out during sex, not noticing until this morning when he saw them on the floor. I told him they werent mine and he went and threw them in his sister's room.
I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
Just know that as we speak i am injecting vodka into gushers
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
The taxi driver was going on about how many drunk chicks want to sleep with him when he drives them home. Not sure if he was bragging or hinting
Sometimes I love sober logical me. She makes rare appearances but when she does she shines.
possibly one of my favorite moments was wiping it off your nose after you high fived a bouncer
Well we did eat French fries lady-and-the-tramp style last night...
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
It wasn't a great time! You grabbed me, picked me up, and make me pee in the sink!
You know it's NBA season when you compare head to 3 pointers.
So then edible panties?
Jesus no he likes candy too much, I'd lose a lip
outside on the street drinkin, walked into a random house and asked to pee, some kid hands me a beer and says i have to chug it first
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
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