The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
It's confirmed I did eat a ping pong ball last night...
If i evwr doyble fist jack daniels and smirnoff again, i hereby give you permission to take them both away grom me and give me and give me a glass of wat
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
WHY DO I WANT TO FUCK EVERY GUY THAT BREATHES
I miss the "How many Grindr hits can I get while performing in an elementary school?" game.
The whole bar erupted and in happiness and confusion as I went on about pancakes.
My roomate had an hour long melt down about her life choices not realizing I was in the middle of having sex... So yea it went pretty horribly.
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
I have already put on my inside pants.
I am luring the porn star to my house with chicken!
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
I can't be sure but I think I slept with a clown last night...
I’m tired of his bullshit and premature ejaculation. I’m going to hotel bars and finding a guy who is DTF
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