All of his creepy stalker friends want you too
that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
remember tomorrow: you burned the inside of your nose with incense. it hurt.
i just got on a party bus. i think i left my belly button at the bar.
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...
She's echoing.. Her head must be in the toilet..
we passed out in our seats at the game for about 3innings. I guess they showed it on the big screen. nap n rally!
In hindsight combining orgy Thursday with mystery drink madness was begging for failure
I had sex on the roof of the dorm last night ... I feel like a combination of spiderman and van wilder
The port-o-potty that I peed in last night didn't actually have a toilet in it. And i never told anyone until this moment.
I just thought about how many drinks I had last night and threw up.
WE HAVE WINE WHERE ARE YOU GUYS WE ARE BY THE GIANT EAGLE
You showed up at my house at 4am with a bloody nose, one shoe and a bucket of chicken... I live no where near a place that sells chicken in a bucket..
Well that would explain the bones in my purse.
No, he came home, unscrewed all of the lightbulbs, and threw them in the sink.
Randomize
