you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
I think dad's getting high again. His last google search was "awesome ping pong shit."
We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
Just heard a guy on the phone saying " ya ill buy the eight ball " then came to my register to ask what asile the sugar substitute is on.
I am now best friends with a lesbian named Zulu. I am pretty hammered already and made a game time decision to stay here another night,for partying purposes
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
Those titties aren't worth a lifetime of listening to her talk about gluten free yams and japanese manga.
So I just did the math and everything in this room except the computer and my clothes has been in my vagina
He just grabbed my boob and justified it by saying "I just wanna feel your heart beat"
I've somehow found myself in an emotionally abusive relationship with a married man who gives me drugs.
My life is quickly turning into a Lifetime movie.
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
Aint no party like a Broke College Girls Eating Stuffed Crust Pizza party
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
Well he had a nice beard and it smelled good so there was no way I wasn’t going home with him.
Randomize