Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
just customized my debit card w a pic of me ralphing over the toilet. figure it'll give the bar keep a good cut off est and for shits n giggles when buying my handles at the liqour store
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
I walked home with an awkward asain couple. There was a language barrier but I think we're friends now.
remember how i yelled at you for inviting that coke dealer to the party?! i found the $100 bill they were snorting with in the couch.
..new slutty dresses or booze? i won't even waste time with the i told you so.
Can't we have real sex instead of you just thrusting the air near me?
who's idea was it to start the NCAA tournament less than a week after St. Patrick's day? My liver needs time to recover for things like this.
See? I told you no boy in roller skates could be entirely straight.
Yeah i just finished watching someone play ping pong with his penis it didn't fully register until after a few seconds
We're keeping you on a leash this Saint Patrick's Day
He was telling me how he was trying to grow up. And then 2 minutes later, he told me he was tripping on lsd for the first time.
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
Of all of my friend's husbands, I like when yours hits on me best
Awe that means so much to us
Doing the walk of shame from the back of a Jeep to the porta potty it's parked next to while your dad watches is not what you want.
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
Randomize
