o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
so she bought me lunch gave me a blowie then paid for the gas since I drove... I think there's a catch but I'm gonna run with it
You know whats sad? As I walk past the campus daycare i cant help think, look at those drunk mistakes
My parents foreign exchange student just walked in on me whacking off. Welcome to America :)
She's dressed as a slutty Dalmatian. I doubt she has morals.
You tried to sled down the middle of the street. In. Your. Coat. Of course you are bruised.
Sprained my ankle at sky zone REST ICE COMPRESSION ELEVATION AND SHOTS it'll all feel better soon
If she doesn't judge me for bringing my vibrator in the tanning bed, I know she is a true friend.
i think when the guy sitting in the corner singing tells you you're too drunk, you're too drunk.
i swear to god if you did anything to my honey bunches ill remove all the oats and shove them up your dickhole then play pinata with my foot to knock them all back out
Just had an epiphany about how to drink more effectively in the shower. While walking across campus carrying a Franzia bag like Santa
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
I'm so drunk and angry about the Michigan game the fact of my relationship being over doesn't matter
Do me a favor and scream dirty things at him in a polite sexy, come hither way
Randomize
