This dress was meant to end up on your floor
When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
All I know is that if a letter starts with "I'm aware you jerked off in the bathroom last night," I don't want to finish reading it.
You know I found it really difficult to find a full lenght picture for the egg donor site where I wasn't holding any alcohol...
max decided it would be a good idea to run down the hall and smack down the exit sign. now we are sitting in the emergency room, and he is wearing the sign as a bracelet
Oh aight, and i was just going to be content with drinking, beating off and watching ninja turtles
Do I like my job? I just bought 1/2 oz of pot from my supervisor at work. At a discount. And he said, "pay me whenever."
Did you catch one of my beer pong balls in your cleavage or was that a dream?
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
Just convinced a housekeeper at work to set up her 401k. Gotta start hittin the gb every morning before work. Happy 420
I'm trying to drink up the confidence to run in public.
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
we've never stayed at a party for more than an hour. we always end up at a pizzaria. by ourselves. with no friends.
what else are best friends for?
Randomize
