You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
Is a wave an appropriate goodbye when your one night stand wakes up and walks out towards the door while you are looking through the garbage for the evidence of a condom?
When a man can't even pay attention to you when you're telling him about how big his penis is, there's something wrong
No teenage boy ever gets scared away from sex unless she is slipping a wedding ring on your finger or is killing your cat. I promise.
The object of the game was to pour tequila into a sombrero and drink as much as you can before it leaked through, 'Big Papi' won.
I dont' remember leaving St. Cloud, getting home, or apparently directing traffic in the middle of the fucking street while black out drunk.
Yeah but if you conceived a child on a park slide that would be pretty awesome
You were passed out in the OutBack Bowl Shrimp costume and when we asked you wtf happened you just said On Wisconsin.
You know darned well I have a well-documented weakness for redheads, Subway and hand-drawn graphic novels.
I had a threesome last night with my fiance' and our soon to be best man. Everyone is surprisingly chill about it this morning. Is this any indication of what the wedding night will be like?
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
Im drinking a CAN of bud light at the bar. Do you really think I care anymore?
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
Randomize