this morning i woke up with my panties on and i knew where i was. success.
dude, there's a fucking musical in my head. it's fucking awesome being this high.
That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again
It involved homemade coconut rum, a waterfall, and street signs. I'll leave the rest to your capable imagination.
I just got a whiff of tequila through the air conditioner.
They called security on the security guard who tried to break up the party in their suite. You tell me how drunk they were.
I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.
An don't say it's "personal preference" cause I don't buy it. I just want to have normal cool guy balls. I don't want to be the dude that's still rocking the equivalent of the "mid 90's bowl cut" of scrotum haircuts.
He legit watched "Cops" the entire time he was fingering me.
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
Can you come get me? I woke up in the woods behind the Super 8. I have pizza.
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
Julius Caesar had a huge penis
WTF are you reading?
Ha ha! No, the guy in the Caesar costume last night. We hooked up. His dick was huge
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