On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
Yeah, getting the HI-fiVe would really put a damper on my whoring around.
Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
is it bad that i have made the decision to never travel to vienna simply because of that transvestite that won the bachelor?
dont start drinking without me
I didn't know people actually cried after sex.
I hope my sperm were as drunk as I was.
His car is carseat is compatible. I checked while we were banging in the back seat...
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
Dude, Taco Bell gave me a free fiesta potatoes when I won a bet on wether I could fit the entire rim of a cup in my mouth.
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
Steve, that episode of cops where your dealer rear-ended that family is on again.
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
when I walked in the door they were passed out naked, on top of eachother, with tetris controllers in their hands.
Just stole my moms weed, left a note saying sorry.. Hope she isn't mad.
They got skeletons in the booths to enforce social distancing.
Thought they were weekend at berniesing that shit at first.
Randomize
