Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
I'm like a warm blanket that has sex with you
the way i see it him paying 500 bucks for my fake abortion is karma's way of punishing him for cheating on his wife
he gets drunk and then tries to eat the lasers at the dance club
bro, sorry for: trying to put you on fire yesterday, telling the bouncer that it was you that broke the bottles, and to have slept with your sister.
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
My only regret is that I have but one penis to give to your vagina.
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
You cant come. You're a Colorado native who drinks Bud over Coors. Fucking homegrown terrorist.
Idk. It's not appealing to me. Like don't get me wrong, I love ur dick A LOT but I don't want to stare at it on an iPhone screen
Are ropes allowed in during conjugals?
i have too much dick at my disposal? i should make them fight. best dick pic gets laid
I made out with 4 out of 4 girls I was out with last night, I'm pretty sure everyone knows I'm a lesbian by now
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