Sarah Palin just quit. Happy Independence day!
God Bless America!
I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
pre-gaming in the library. just gonna keep going until i'm too drunk to keep working and then i'll be there.
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
Tornado booty call.. dedication
Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.
I just ate 6 cheeseburgers with some homeless guy. Pretty epic.
Now that makes it sound like you had sex with a guy in batman costume and you never took the mask off so you can't 100 percent be sure.
Then, right before he came he said "I want to buy you so many things!" What the fuck?!
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
You walked up to a random girl on the street and asked her for a bite of her pizza...
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
MY MOM WALKED IN WHILE I WAS EATING THEM OUT AND STARTED ASKING US ABOUT THE PROJECT RUNWAY EPISODE WE WERE WATCHING EARLIER
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
Randomize