I bet they all look and smell like Amy Winehouse
Im starting to realize why people dont masturbate while driving
i totally forgot about the coupon that said i would show him how i pleasure myself.
i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
You're the only person I know who would say "we'll play it by ear" referring to a threesome
He wanted to take a picture with our pizza to show his mom that I was pretty but more importantly that he practices in "sober" activities
Would you be offended if I asked you to smoke a blunt with me while I pooped?
woke up outside on the porch naked surrounded by beer cans with a towl around my neck. i must be in heaven cause i've never seen this place before.
Just proved I could salsa dance in a bar where no one was dancing
Sidenote...no idea how to salsa
I know how I'm going to make my fortune.. designing an icepack made specifically for the vagina.
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
So my new thing apparently is getting wasted, showing people my slytherin socks and convincing them I'm slytherin..because why not
We literally laid down in the back of my car and had sex in a parking lot and it was in the top 3 best moral-less decisions I've made.
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