Dude wtf I'm sitting behind some girl in class who is creeping on my facebook page. I don't even know who she is..
on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
I just smoked a bowl in the dining room and am now drinking a glass of chocolate milk. i can't believe i'm getting paid for this.
The handjob she gave me was better than the best blowjob I've ever gotten.. Just imagine the possibilities.
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
his dad came out and found me sleeping indian style on the couch with my cup balancing on my boobs. didn't spill a drop.
You were in subway at 3am showing everyone your tan lines
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
Did you see the video of me eating a marshmellow on fire?
My text message history should be ashamed of itself right now.
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
We found her on the balcony debating if it was easier to jump or throw up. Neither decision would not have been good for the 91 year old below us.
I'm tired of looking like my mother fucked Chewbacca.
Also this just in, I think you could see my sequins underwear that say unwrap me through my leggings all day while I hung out with his family
Just got done being naked and Mooning the cops. I'm still alive. Let's drink.
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