I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
The old saying is "its not the size of the boat-- but the motion of the ocean" is obviously for those on the "Small side." I am of the belief that "You can't churn butter with a toothpick"
Maybe it's the vicodin, but all I wanna do is hunt wild hogs.
I have reverted to folding laundry while watching porn. how much sadder can my life get?
I think I'll handle my grief by throwing myself headlong into lesbianism. Seems like a fitting tribute to you.
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
I just had the worst experience of my life, my grandma found my condoms.
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
I honestly didn't think living in Canada would change me, until I found myself watching hockey porn
Dude I bought tampons with cardboard applicators by accident and now I know my vagina hates the 1960s
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
Can you send me the picture of me licking the cows udders?
If he isn’t into CosPlay he will be after tonight. That naughty nurse outfit heals broken hearts
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