Does getting a boner while watching the celtic women sing opera on ETV make me cultured?
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
Lost my credit card. M has a bottle of blood in her pocket from a hobo.
If he thinks that that is an acceptable way to ask me out he is out his goddamn ginger mindddddd.
Haha! You know I mean that in a positive way. Like, "let them eat cake!" Or in our case, "let them achieve obesity from the two entree plate at Panda Express!"
I fucked him on my yoga mat. Then we wake and baked and ate granola. So yes, you could say I found my center.
I need you to go into my room and get some pants then bring them and four band aids to Sam's apartment no questions
Woke up and took my pants off only to realize that I was wearing my shirt from last night as my underwear
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
just had an acid flashback in my therapist's office. i am a walking stereotype
I’m pretty sure I have teeth marks on my neck
Got so high i fell asleep kyaking...for 2 hours.
Randomize
