Just got yelled at by a priest...again.
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
maybe next time you shouldn't be drinking alone watching intervention at 3 am and no one would think you needed an intervention.
Just kicked a guy in his penis in order to win a dance contest on Bourbon....desperate.
He fell asleep and they duct taped him to the floor. He's pissed.
why the fuck would he compare you to sexy aquatic creatures?
Dude, you walked in on me 5 times each times you had a different person with you. And each time you lifted the covers up and said 'whats going on in here'
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
Came back with a random sweatshirt, an American flag, and a for sale sign. Mission success?
multiple people will be seeing my nips tonight. not mad about it at all
Broken leg sex is fun because I just get to lay there
I dipped out before he woke up, but I made sure to take the pizza with me.
Dude. I keep thinking about how I let a man gum my vagina.
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
WHERE THE FUCK IS MY ARM DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW DIFFICULT IS IS TO TYPE WITH ONE HAND
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