I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
i just threw up a quarter into the urinal in the bathroom at the bar. everybody else stared then cheered. that drunk
i should have probably stopped drinking when my beer pong shots were hitting the other team in the face..
yeah thats usually a good indication.
Sandwiches are there for you when porn isn't.
Handcuffed. To. Steering. Wheel. Fuck.
The worst thing about it is now I have to find someone else to fuck in the library.
You know it's been a while when you're having to resort to positive conditioning to get women
she's a nursing student, i didn't think vomit would freak her out so much
you puked ON HER
Now he's crying and asking for 'the cameras' to come out. The one cop is laughing
Im hitting on this chick at a stoplight when all the sudden. i notice this chick blowing some dude in the backseat.
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
I'm hungry, horney and thirsty. Pick two you want to help out with.(please pick horney)
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
Randomize
