so im watching realhousewives of jersey with my mom. she just said they werent really rich bc they were doing their own makeup.
and she's shaped like a lego person so that's not happening
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?
No, I think it was the night I threw up in her front yard. You're thinking of the time I threw up in her backyard.
look up what dreaming that you're in a lesbian relationship with a manatee means.
He was banging holes in the kitchen wall with pots. They tried to pull him away but only managed to pants him. He kept "drumming".
Come back. She's looking through naked pics of his exes on his phone and questioning him about them and I'm too drunk to walk away.
Although I feel like awkward kinda describes your entire sexual history...
I'm sending you the three minute video I jus took,....it's of me eating a pear up close
Brunch got away from me. I might be a little high.
It was like in the Christmas carol when the guy pulls his robe back and 2 small children appear... except this time it was a massive scrotum
So you're on like a list there now..."Do not under any circumstances give this person a knife. Serve them in plastic cups ONLY"
I'm ready to get married, then we can lie around watching anime and eating pizza while he rubs baby oil on me
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
Randomize
