I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
and you tried to get a free burrito from Potbelly's
you had sex with a 30 year old who doesn't have a cell phone but does have an 8 year old son.
he's 29.
Remember when I booked a hotel room for next sat? Nneither do I.
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
I do not want to do anything. The words more tequila need to be erased from my vocabulary
I hope you don't have to start the day explaining to me how you failed to turn "Can I practice my belly dancing in your apartment" into all night sex.
stuck in the elevator with that hot guy from the 3rd flood. Worried he can smell my spray tan and desperation
I was told my cock was a religious experience.
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
Why is there a muffler in the livingroom?
First, I just want to say that I had nothing to do with it. Second, how good is your car insurance?
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
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