come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
if he only knew that in between each sext i was puking.
And she was like "I wanted you all for myself, to love you, and treat you like gold."... See this is why I shouldn't fuck Italian chicks...
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
Fell down a spiral staircase. Et tu vodka. Et tu.
He panicked, you ducked and I was coming off a 3 day coke binge. It was no one's shining moment.
literally hosing herself off in my back yard with the hose. i offered her the shower but she refused. that drunk.
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
I gotta shower this stuff off me I'm starting to hear baby kittens in the toilet tank again..
After pissing all over her van its a lot easier to look her in the eye than I thought.
"hahahaha" is not a sufficient reply when I tell you my mother laughed at a joke about me giving blowjobs.
I ate all your munchie Mac and Cheese cause you left me on the lawn. If you don't want it to happen gain, drag my drunk ass inside next time
Some guy at the bar last night bought us Arrowhead water and I was so drunk, it tasted good
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
Randomize
