my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
I was born with a shot glass in my hand
Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
My nipple ring got caught on the rug again. Tequila makes me unlearn these things
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
After your flask fell out of your leg brace and you told your RA that it was juice, you tried to unlock your dorm room but your key was attached to your bra so he ended up seeing your boobs
The ratio of last drink to last smoke is so tricky. This could go on until the booze is gone
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
Yes I slept with him, he was the only one not wearing a costume. Guys with costumes are just trying to impress you.
Are you planning on wandering into construction sites drunk and falling down 6' holes?
probably
I HAVE PIZZA MONEY AT ALL TIMES IT'S CALL EMERGENCY PLANNING
Here's to not getting arrested this year on thanksgiving again. Cheers bitches!
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
He shit in the fireplace
No, no... It was great. I feel like my liver took a vodka shower and washed it's hair with pabst
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