Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
How much would it be to rent out Gus Johnson so he can announce our flip cup games?
every time i wear that dress i get kicked out of a bar.
You skyped me last night to show me the girl passed out on your bed.
We're past the whole "Did she just try to finger my ass?" Stage. Now it's encouraged.
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
Ur gonna wake up early as dick tomorrow to do some responsible shit but im the one up at 3 am right now cooking brats soaked in keystone light so fuck your falling asleep ass bitch
Do not buy whiskey under any circumstances. There should be a UN sanctioned buffer zone between me and Seagrams.
They were picking gravel out of my face for an hour. I think I took more out of the road than the road did of me.
Barfights against pavement aren't genrally won by people. Props.
Tell me you didn't really piss in the hookah.
Obama's speech on in 9 mins. Me in the shower now. Naked. Make your choice.
I'm bringing the tv in with me.
Eight drinks in. Subject is fondling chips before eating them. Intoxicated texting has expanded from best friend to random guy I met in FBLA.
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
My nerves will need dicks later so.. I'll call you
I have an interview tomorrow! The couple we regularly swing with said I could use them as references. Winning
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