fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
He is like that thing on the menu you would eat because nothing else looks remotely edible.
i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
I lost my virginity in that bed. You just layed in history.
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
Out of all the things I've put my penis in, this seems the most unfortunate.
You tried taking his shirt off at the bar. He was 37 and married with kids.
I'm sitting here in nothing but my panties, eating beef jerky and reese's for breakfast.Today is not the day to expect me to make sound life decisions.
seeing two freshman taking a cab home at noon on a Monday makes me realize how much worse my life choices could have been
Can I steal her, take her home, and feed her only vodka?
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
Well at least I still have a burrito in my pocket.
how do you know everyone's mad at you?
I just woke up feeling shameful
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