Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
Do you know a sam ****, im at the bar right now and lookin for some dirt on her to guilt trip her in to sex
i'm not going because i feel like it's just gunna be a "this is your life" who i banged this years addition
I actually had no interest in him until he started talking about his 4 arrests. That made him go from a 5 1/2 to a 8, easily.
Halloween has nothing on dressing up as as the INS on cinco de mayo
And then I saw the naval officer and gave up that whole new leaf thing
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
The man was doing everything in his power to get away from his wife, including go into the gay club.
Dude, he paid us overtime to smoke weed out of a bong at his house
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
There is a french fry attached to my steering wheel and a note that says "eat me yum yum" can you explain this?
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
It's official! Naked girl is back and making stir fry. Still not sure she realizes we can see her whole apartment from our balcony. Cheap beer and a show.
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