James and whatshisface bought me drunks. I am drinks.
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
You know that joke about taking tylenol pm and jerking off? you don't always win. sometimes you wake up in the morning naked lubed up cock in hand to the realator and would be perspective buyers laughing at you
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
You never know, some chick could have a weird unibrow fetish.
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
what's the appropriate greeting for someone whose bed you've had sex with someone else in?
The world is a different place when I'm actually having sex
But of course I'm in. After all, what fun would the holidays be without trying to find the perfect gift to impress someone you've never met, but need the approval of??
I just got woken up by that guy wearing a Krispy Kreme hat giving out donuts
Honestly it was like 3 AM and I only agreed to go to the strip club because I wanted chicken tenders
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
he's a mother fucking interior design major!! we boned and fell asleep and now we're laying in bed discussing what color i should paint my room. i'm marrying him
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
Randomize
