I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
I have started doing my homework in bars. It just feels right.
I have a plus one for the Blackout Express, should I pen in your name?
She said she was jealous that i could wear headbands, then growled at the ground in shame..
The guy I woke up with is wearing the same nailpolish as me...I need to stop drinking
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
I walked by the two of them and mouthed "fuck me" based on there reaction I think they just came in their pants
Hahahaha don't tempt me. Remember we're trying to avoid airport jail if possible
Sorry I sent you a video of a singing reverend last night, I was really high.
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
I'm upset for all the future generations who can't drunkenly get cheesy bread
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
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