apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
i live my life in a constant state of hangover.
you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
Whoever decided putting Tom Seizmore and Heidi Fleiss together in rehab should win some kind of award.
Aj and I already plan to tape our thumbs to our palms so we know how it feels to be a t-rex.
Look bro I'll go half per boob with you, we split her.
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
It was kicking off big time until you crawled out the bar on your hands and knees. Nobody wanted to mess with that.
I can't go to the bars anymore. She wanted to see me again and I drunkenly told her I was moving today. If she spots me I'm fucked.
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.
Masturbating with Lord of the Rings on was not how I planned my afternoon going but here I am.
Haha holy fuck. i dont remember much after pissing on your ex's flaming nude pics.
I think part of my soul drowned in beer and/or jack daniels last night.
Why does my mask smell like doritoes?
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