Report just came out that Tim Tebow is a virgin but I have proof he is not. He's bent Florida State over the last four years in a row.
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
what part of what i said meant "bring a bowl"
"bouncy castle"
Dude, they are shaking the RV, yell at them. It feels like i'm being rocked to sleep, I don't like it, I'm not a baby.
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
How am I supposed to be friends with him when there's an exact replica of his dick in my underwear drawer?
He yelled "I'm Bruce Springsteen!" when he came. This is why I don't sleep with guys from Jersey.
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
I'm questioning my decision to swallow this morning while my stomach was in hangover mode
You are attracted to power and since you can't date the married old guy you have to go for the next best thing - his gay son
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
Randomize
