he wants to bone in the snuggie
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
i may or may not have puked on your loofa in the shower.
Awww. A guy on the train just took his coat off so his girlfriend could throw up into it. Who says chivalry is dead?
Are you scared? I basically plan on us looking like giant drunk skittles
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
Masturbating on the clock at work is my specialty.
I FEEL LIKE I CAN TAKE DOWN A FULLY GROWN MOUNTAIN LION WITH ONLY A POINTY STICK OH MY GOD
Who takes their shirt off at the bar?! Classy broad
I do. In all fairness there was someone else's blood on it.
the chips you spilled whiskey on is not the same thing as Irish breakfast potatoes
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
It got weird the panthers lost and we started throwing wings at one another
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
How much weed should I buy my mom for her birthday?
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