On a scale from 0 to 24...wait, 3 to 24, where 6 is the lowest and 12 is the highest, how freaking high re you right now?
what do you mean I googled how to give an awesome blow job?
alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
I think he finally resigned to the fact he could not get off. He just looked at me and said "I'm having testicle difficulties," rolled over and passed out.
Keep your head up. His game is good, and you should be honoured to be a notch on his wall. If it makes you feel better, if it wasn't you, it was going to be me.
We had a 30 min conversation last night about whether or not to bone that girl with a lisp to see if she moans with one...
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
We're only going to be this young and this cute but for so long. And how often is it that a pack of Albanian law students is in your house?!
Of course that's what I'm wearing. I need to find a beard to mount and ride STAT.
Everyone is a disappointment when you lose your virginity to nine inches
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
My cats name is now jello shot. How much do you love me right now?
What happened last night? I just woke up and there's like 15 mcflurry cups on the floor
You don't remember stealing them?
Vegas never ceases to amaze me. Hung out with a stripper from ATL all night and got nuthin, but the next night meet a bride-to-be who gives me a bj in the elevator.
It doesn't matter if it's only been 3 days since you last changed your sheets. If your fuck buddy comments on how your bed smells like sex, it's time to change them again.
Randomize
