I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
i just shit 3 out of the 4 types of matter
This girls' body was nothing short of spectacular...her face, was like the '09 Detroit Lions
Sometimes I wish there were a little bird hiding that would periodically go, "creep-per."
I woke up wearing just my underwear and a headlamp at a different house than I remember passing out at. I told you irish car bombs are not made with an entire guinness.
the beat of "birthday sex" is shockingly similar to my dry heaving rhythm. it's making me nauseous all over again.
so are you any less fat since you started doing blow?
He gave them shots of purell and called it "acid rain" jello shots. They took them.
I hate freshman.
Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
I miss the smell of you or some shit.
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
Just got my stitches out.. Now I can give a proper hand job
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
You asked to borrow my glasses for a moment. Then you whipped them at someone's head.
Randomize
